Musings on Turning 30
2020 was a particularly challenging year—racial and political unrest, a world wide pandemic, race-based stress and trauma, and uncontrollable anxiety. Leaving the house became a new luxury, masks and sanitizer the years new fashion accessory, and celebrations now markers of idiocy and insanity. I’d always planned on doing something grand for my 30th Birthday. Perhaps a glamorous trip with my loved ones. Hitting the dance floor at some swanky club, waiting the for the DJ to play my favorite song (either Keiynan Lonsdale’s Rainbow Dragon or Earfquake by Tyler the Creator). Regardless of anything I could’ve imagined for ringing in my next decade, I certainly hadn’t imagined that I wouldn’t be able to come within 6-feet of people, thus ruining any chance of me tipsily hitting that aforementioned dance floor.
All you ever hear about the 30’s is that they’re the best years yet (though this is most often said by those in the decade themselves). It’s said that you’re no longer concerned with pleasing others, you have a greater understanding of what you want out of life, and (hopefully) you have enough money to travel, pay bills, and enjoy the freedoms of life. My 20s felt like they’d last forever. Some years were fun, while others were filled with depression, doubt, hurtful comparisons, body issues, and the constant fear of failure. I measured myself by what I looked like on the outside, and I chastised myself for not being as successful as (fill in /influencer/journalist/celebrity/exception to the rule). I obsessed over where I “should be” instead of being thankful and appreciative of where “I was.” I stayed too long in a relationship that didn’t serve me, and wasted more tears than I could count over my lack of love life. I’d gotten myself far too acquainted with the subtle darkness and isolation that comes with depression. Frankly, I spent all my time wanting someone else to love me, instead of me loving me.
Now that I’ve turned 30, I’m just really looking forward to being happy. Happy when I have everything I’ve asked for. Happy when I’ve still got a ways to go. I want to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. It’s quite jarring that with only 5 days into latest trip around the sun, I already feel such profound hope for my future, and complete gratitude for my present. I know the meaning of self-love. I understand the benefits of therapy. I’ve experienced the powerful effects of taking care of my mental health. I’ve pivoted my career because I believe in my talents, and I know I’m deserving more. I’m tremendously loved, and I’m learning how to love better. I’m be all accounts in a beautiful place in my life.
It might sound cheesy to say, but Life really is a gift. I’m so lucky to be alive, to have the ability to thrive, to dream, to have the audacity to pursue my dreams.
I’m alive, I’m 30, I’m enough.