I'm Sorry. I Can't. Don't Hate Me.

Editors note: Two weeks following the release of this article, the suspect in question apologized genuinely for her actions. This author accpeted that apology, and the two made a conscious amends.

“And I couldn’t help but wonder, was our friendship as real as I’d imagined? Or was it just another vodka fueled quarantine dream?” I imagine that’s how Carrie Bradshaw would begin her article, if she were writing this. With punchy lines, and an irreverent voice, she’d make you laugh at her forthcoming misfortune. She’d know she was the butt of the joke, but at the end of the day, she’d submit this piece, and then head out to brunch with the girls. But what happens when one of the girls just broke up with you….? I’ll have the entire pitcher of mimosa, please!

Remember how cold it was when Jack Berger broke up with Carrie on a post-it note? He was such an asshole for that. But now looking at my own troubles, a post-it would’ve been great! I think we tend to expect shitty breakups from guys, cause like duh, but from our fellow sisters?

I’m shocked. Blindsided. Bamboozled.

I’ve legit been left on read, a whopping 3 times, by my friend! I honestly have combed through my brain trying to figure out what I could’ve done wrong, but I can’t find anything. So this week, (during normal group chat conversations) a few of my girls were discussing the current state of friendship between Issa and Molly on HBO’s Insecure. I haven’t started this season, so I couldn’t add to that particular part of the conversation. But apparently, Issa and Molly are going through it, and honestly I think we’ve been witnessing the shift in that relationship for quite some time, but anyway. During that convo, someone mentioned the fact that they’ve been broken up with before in a friendship, and then it happened! I had to come clean, admit that I’m actively being ghosted by my friend, and I have no clue why! Bring on the embarrassment.

I’m gonna be honest here, this friend of mine and I have a bit of a sordid past. Ten years ago, we couldn’t even be in the same room together. We were young, irrationally emotional, and disliked each other because of a guy we both dated. Sometimes dated at the same time (unbeknownst to us) if memory serves me right. Yawn, I know, but it was a decade ago so give us a break. Once we got older though, and settled into womanhood, we’d actually found out that we really enjoyed each other. We became friends. The people who knew us all those years ago were shocked, but we’d moved on and thus began our sister-friend romance. She’s been to my home. We’ve confided in each other. She was at my wedding (which is saying something since I only had 48 guest in total). I actually remember the day when I asked her to come. We both laughed about our friendship journey, and both reassured each other that we were so happy to have each other now. She makes me happy. She also makes me laugh. Hard. She’s the type of person that does whatever she wants. She’s wild, in the best of ways. She’s like a spirit animal realized. The thing I love most about her is that she goes hard for her friends. Legit, she’ll hype you up when you need it, and more so even when you don’t think you deserve it.

But alas, here I am. Still sitting on read nearly a month later, and blocked from her stories on Instagram. Millennial. Fucking. Problems.

As we get older, it’s only natural to see our relationships shift. People move away, people get married, people’s priorities change. As Marie Kondo has so famously coined, if something no longer brings you joy, simply thank it for its service and throw it away. So, am I the old J.Crew pashmina she decided she no longer needed? Knowing that there’s possibly been a shift happening inside of her, that’s re-evaluating the value I hold in her life, man that’s hard! But you know what’s harder? The radio silence. I’m now left to my own devices, creating the most dramatic storyline imaginable, with very little fact to back it up. One minute she and I were collaborating on a project, then when I checked in on her, poof! We all know the saying; people are either in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. I’m not sure which of those I fit into yet, maybe purgatory? A mutual friend told me that she may eventually pop back up, and everything will go back to normal. But how? Just like COVID, there’s no more “normal” after this. I’m knocking on 30’s door, so of course I’ve been broken up with before. But this one hits differently. I thought I’d gotten to the point in life where I was sure of who my friends were. That I’d finally arrived at that sweet spot where you know who to trust, and who you can rely on. I see now, I still have some learning to do.

When I told all of this to the group chat, they each had their own theories as to what could’ve happened with our friendship, but the general consensus is that whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me. I have no control over whether or not someone wants to be in a friendship with me, no more than I can control the weather in Ohio.

I know quarantine has convinced everyone that they’re savages, but damn, where’s the respect? Put it on my name.

Luckily though, I’m not alone. A few girlfriends from the group chat expressed their own stories about being abandoned in their friendships, some are as follows:

“She was my best friend since I was 16, and out of nowhere last year she sent a text—twice, saying we’d grown apart.”

“I’d physically pick my friend off the floor when her boyfriend broke her heart several times. She was devastated, but went back to him, and blocked me. I guess there wasn’t enough room for both of us.”

“For me it was very hurtful because it happened to me twice, with two different women. I really blamed myself for awhile.”

“I’ve only had one friendship breakup, and thank God cause she wasn’t a good friend. We’d been friends since the 2nd grade, but I never really liked her. I let the concept of time dictate that she was worth holding on to. Maybe I was the phony one all along.”

I know that in writing this article, I may be adding fuel to the (invisible) fire, but at least then I’d be the arsonist, I’d know who burned down the house. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know why I’m being ghosted, or what it’ll be like when we see each other again—and we will see each other, but I don’t think that’s the point of all this.

for me, and anyone else WHO'S experienced this type of loss, the point isn’t trying to uncover the reason behind the break-up. It’s focusing our ENERGies on healing from the loss, In a way that’s rooted in gratitude and trust, over anger and resentment.

We have to be grateful for the shift that’s occurring, because it’s the universe’s way of teaching us how to pivot. We have to trust the fact that there is meaning in the letdown, even if it isn’t immediately obvious. I recognize this as a beautiful opportunity to rejoice in the relationships that support and encourage me. While I’m disappointed by the perceived shift in progress, it’s also happened at a time where I’m the happiest and freest I’ve ever been. To ruminate on the heartbreak, and act out in revenge or pettiness, would undermine all of the work I’ve done on myself thus far. And I don’t want to be that way, that’s not who I am, and though I’m sad about things she doesn’t deserve that. So you know what, I’m thankful. Thankful to be in a good space mentally where I can process something like this, and continue moving forward while focusing on the abundance instead of the lack. Nobody is perfect, so just control what you can control, and try to remain fabulous in the process!

Disclaimer: if anyone else wants to breakup with me in the future, I prefer a pink post-it and a bottle of Cabernet sent to my house via Fed-Ex. At least this way I can drink and cry, on your dime, and honestly it’s the least you can do! (This excludes my husband. I’m gonna need something much shinier and expensive to deal with that L)

Have you ever been broken up with by a friend? Please share your story below, so we know we’re not alone!