Reproductive Violence Won’t Stop with Texas: We Need to Talk About Our Abortions.

I had my first abortion at 25. I was working at Good Morning America, living in New York, and on the phone with my best friend when the word “Pregnant” finally came across the stick. Honestly, I was shocked, but to be fair the night it happened I was drunk and so was he, so there ya go. I felt a lot of things in that moment: anxiety, disbelief, annoyance, but never once did I think about any alternative other than having an abortion. That reckless night was a relapse with an ex-boyfriend, and because of our constant on-again off-again situationship, it was nothing, if not glaringly clear, that this wasn’t the scenario to permanently attach myself to. I would’ve ended up being a single mother, the career I’d begun to build would’ve been sidelined, and I would’ve continued the same cycle of struggling single motherhood that runs rampant in my family.

I opted for a medical abortion (abortion pill(s). Loving the idea of being in whatever space was most comfortable for me, so I could be as relaxed as possible. The hours spent in the clinic is more of a waiting game than anything else. And after the standard procedural conversations, an ultrasound—I was about 4-5 weeks, and a meeting with a counselor, I was able to take the first pill (Mifepristone, which blocks progesterone and thereby prevents the pregnancy from progressing. It was pretty anticlimactic. A doctor literally came into my room watched me swallow a small white pill, and I was sent home with the other set of pills to take 24hrs later. Four pills that are meant to dissolve in your cheeks (Misoprostol, which empties the uterus and causes bleeding and cramping), an antibiotic, and hydrocodone for the pain.

Most often when abortions are portrayed it’s the surgical ones. With a woman, alone, scared, and questioning her decision with her feet up in stirrups. And I have no doubt that this is an honest and relatable portrayal of some abortions. But certainly not all. Our society paints abortions as this negative seedy thing done in the shadows. Words like “terminate” and “end” are used to describe the pregnancies, but seldom is it talked about what continues, or what is gained in opting to make your own choice about when to become a mother.

According to Planned Parenthood, 1 in 4 women will have an abortion by the age of 45. And of those who have an abortion, 6 out of 10 already have kids.

Having an abortion doesn’t mean you don’t want children, or that you aren’t ‘pro-life’, or that you’re reckless, careless, heartless. It simply just means you’re human. For me, when I think about my choice, I always remember what Gloria Steinem said the doctor who performed her abortion said to her, “do what you want with your life.” I did not want to be a single parent out the gate. I wanted a career and not just a job. I wanted to grow, and learn, and fuck up while not having to be responsible for another human being. I simply wasn’t ready.

And I wasn’t ready the next two times either. When in 2016 the Plan B failed me, and this year when the ovulation test lied. If you made it this far you may have decided that I’m just reckless, and “why don’t I just get on birth control” — cause you know it’s always a woman’s responsibility to prevent births. And I could go into why I’m not on birth control, and how careful my husband and I usually are, but that really doesn’t matter. What matters is that shit happens, sometimes more than once. And when it does, we should have the ability to choose how we proceed with our lives.

To capture more experiences, I caught up with a few other women who’ve had abortions to share their experiences (names have been changed to protect their privacy):

Porsha: I had an abortion in 2017. Horrific experience but grateful because he wasn’t it. I took the pill and through the entire process just grateful I had a choice to say I don’t want this and a part of that person in my body. It was a scary and lonely experience to say the least. The aftermath was where the real pain began. Really wrestling with myself of whether I made the right decision or not. Abortion isn’t something you ever truly get over. I was ghosted by my ex partner shortly after the abortion so that added fuel to my fire. Overall it was a complicated experience.

Sonja: I knew I would never have a man’s baby if he wasn’t my husband or we were in a committed relationship. I have no lasting emotional effects and couldn’t be happier that I’m still childless and free to have my first child with someone who I deem worthy. My life would be an absolute shitshow if I was a mom right now. I enjoy my freedom and living on my own terms.

Erika: As a happily married, successful career woman in my 30s, I learned so much about myself walking by a crowd of old, white men protesting at the front door of the abortion clinic. As I sat in the waiting room, I felt equipped and empowered to make the decision that was best for me at the time—regardless of what someone else may think I should do with my body. The thought of the abortion wasn’t nearly as draining as dealing with the expectations of others. I’m glad I chose myself.

In a country dealing with a worsening pandemic, climate disasters, the highest maternal mortality rate of any developed nation, racial inequity, no universal healthcare, no gun control, and much much more…

I hope you understand that this war on abortion is not and was never about being ‘pro-life.’ It’s about White cisgender men retaining power. It’s about White Supremacy. It’s about keeping Black and Brown communities disenfranchised in the cycles of poverty. It’s about gender inequality. It’s about war on women. It’s about literally everything other than life.

And it also means that despite Texas’ tyrannical abortion ban, women will never stop having abortions. We’ll just stop having them safely. It means that women will begin to ingest pills from God knows where through the internet. That the days of flinging ourselves foolishly down a flight of stairs, and drinking bleach, and piercing ourselves with wire hangers will once again be the unspoken law of the land.

So we need more pieces like this. More conversations like this. We need women to be open about their experiences. For men to step up alongside us in supporting abortion rights. For men to champion the women in their lives since they too have benefited from abortion access. We need to get to work. Contrary to what people love to post on social media, this isn’t The Handmaid’s Tale. This is worse, because THIS is real.