I Do, Until I Don’t: A Woman’s Journey Towards Self Liberation

“Trust your gut. Listen to your inner voice. That’s the God in you.” My mother instilled these mantras in me all my life. And truth be told, it’s great advice that has never steered me wrong. But trusting your gut when it’s telling you to do something you’d do anything to avoid… well that’s when shit get’s real. If you’ve never been there, let me tell you… nothing prepares you for the moment when you have to do something you never planned on doing. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start at the beginning.

Years ago, I found myself back in my hometown after college. Most of my friends were in other parts of the country (or world- looking at my two BFFs who decided to join the Peace Corps) and I was in that stage where you don’t quite know what you want to do with your life, (still there, but less so) but you knew you had to do something. So I got a job that I was good at, because hey, it paid bills and allowed me to travel which was all I wanted. I also met a young man there who was quirky, funny, and made me food so naturally, I fell in love.

The relationship was great—when it was great.

I fell hard and fast. He became my person in a time when I needed one. And then a few months in we had a fight. A bad one, my trust in him was altered. At the time I didn’t realize the impact. I only knew love and my desire to be with him, and that we were stronger than anything bad. Nothing could ruin us, not really… not when we love each other the way we do. We traveled the world together, meshed perfectly with each other’s families, and created memories to last a lifetime. Again, it was beautiful when it was beautiful.

But Jesus Christ when it was bad it was bad... I’ll spare the details but what I will say is this: love does not hurt.

There’s so many bubblegum quotes out there that encourage women (and probably men too) to “stick it out” because “love forgives” and a bunch of other bullshit that is truly terrible advice. Romantic love should not be painful. Ups and downs, sure. But painful? Nah. But I’m no expert.

I had a relationship with a wonderful man who I loved more than anything. So when he proposed to me it was easy to say yes. Did we fight sometimes? Yeah, but what couple didn’t? (I’d ask myself constantly). Were our fights terrible? Sure. But if we loved each other, we’d work on ourselves to continue to get better. So we went ahead and began planning our wedding. The moment I dreamt of since I knew what weddings were. Yes, I was that girl. Throughout the process, I couldn’t quite figure it out, but it felt like something was off, maybe that something was missing. Flowers? No, I got that. Caterer? No that’s handled too.

But it just wasn’t right. I wasn’t excited about marrying my fiancé. I actually dreaded it.

And not because I had pre-wedding jitters or because he was a terrible person who treated me awfully. None of that. He’s a beautiful person. And aside from the times when he didn’t, he treated me wonderfully.

But I had a vision for my life, and things I wanted to accomplish. I knew that I would be forced to live a life that I did not want for myself if I married him.

Now let me be clear, there was not one thing that led to me questioning our future. It was a multitude of things. But it can be summed up to me realizing that there were things I would never get over. And I think, as women we are expected to forgive a lot and deal with a lot to have the fairy tale ending.

But I personally wasn’t raised that way. I just don’t believe anyone, man or woman, should have to go through pain for the person they love.

When you decide to end an engagement, you realize that everything can be nothing and nothing can be everything. This was by far the hardest decision I had to make. I remember the exact moment when I knew my relationship was over. And despite this, I still couldn’t bring myself to do it—even knowing it was the right thing to do. So I withdrew. I waited. I prayed and I prayed for guidance, and worried myself sick about what I should do. On one hand—I agreed to marry this man so it is my duty to stick this out right? I made the promise to him, I took the ring. But on the other hand.. who am I satisfying? What will I lose if I give this up? The deposits are paid, the dress is bought. Are people going to be disappointed in me? But what will I gain? It’s a decision that unless you’re facing yourself you can’t imagine. And as I contemplated my decision I received signs.

At least I think I did. Maybe I just created signs and ideologies that made sense to me, in order to justify ruining my love story and hurting the person I spent so much of my time protecting from anyone or anything else hurting him. And despite the rotten feeling in my gut, despite knowing that this wasn’t the place for me, I still couldn’t bring myself to call it off. I loved him SO much and I had never been loved as deeply or greatly before, so we could figure it out. All you need is love so we could figure it out. I communicated my fears and we made a promise to fix them. So we did this and that… a little therapy and a LOT of patience. That feeling wouldn’t leave though. I spoke to everyone about it. I believe in privacy and discretion within romantic relationships, but I became vulnerable to my confusion. My fears about maybe making the wrong decision and getting married to the wrong person came out like word vomit to everyone. I needed someone, anyone, to validate my feelings.I needed to hear that I wasn’t crazy, and everyone felt like this before they got married. But I didn’t get that. And in one of those desperate conversations, a loved one asked me to think about if it would be fair to my partner to marry him, while questioning if it was the right decision. And somehow, like magic, everything changed for me. It became almost easy at that point to pull out of my engagement.

Once I changed my mindset from “is this the right person for me” to “what does the person I love deserve?” I gained the confidence to do what needed to be done.

So I called it off. And it hurt like hell. How does anyone willingly break their best friend’s heart? But let me tell you something. I’ve never felt more liberated. Sure I was sad. But the relief I felt afterwards was confirmation enough that I made the right decision. It’s been a while since I’ve made that decision and I’ve never been happier. Choosing me was the hardest, most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. And I couldn’t recommend it enough.

—Written by Corbyn Wright